House Tearmainn

Here it is, a post 4 years in the making. No, make that 35 years. I have a feeling that everything I’ve seen, done, and become in my life will inform this post in some way. I admit that the idea of committing this to written form is terrifying. Not because people may think I’m wrong or foolish, but because I know that as much as anything that I have done in the past 4 years this will become a part of the identity I am building in pais.

My views and definitions of what makes a slave are constantly evolving, and I know that isn’t about to stop. However I was rightfully and dutifully called out today on dodging this question for a long time now, and so I will give it my best shot. I hope that this will be the first of many such posts so that I can go back and see how the changes evolve.

So what is a slave? We are all at least a little conversant with the traditional definition of slavery. I like Wikipedia’s take on it:

Slavery is a form of forced labor in which people are considered to be, or treated as, the property of others. Slaves can be held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase or birth, and deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to receive compensation (such as wages)

I’m a bit less thrilled with their definition of sexual slavery:

Sexual slavery is the organized coercion of unwilling people into different sexual practices. Sexual slavery may include single-owner sexual slavery, ritual slavery sometimes associated with traditional religious practices, slavery for primarily non-sexual purposes where sex is common, or forced prostitution.

I don’t believe that it need be organized to be sexual slavery, but I digress. The key component of traditional slavery is that it involves the coercion of unwilling people. These slaves at no time consented to this.

Naturally when pais asks me what a slave is she is not referring to traditional/historical slavery. I believe that what she’s really asking is some combination of “What do you expect from me?”, “How do you perceive the my role in our relationship?”, and “As Your slave, what should my identity be?”. I suppose to answer that I must first decide in what ways she is a slave.

I did not purchase, inherit, or in any legal way come into possession of her. She chose to become mine after getting to know me and deciding that granting authority to me was a safe and reasonable thing to do. So, easily enough we have eliminated the possibility that she is a traditional/historical slave. In all other ways, however, she does meet that definition.

So, we have narrowed down the scope of the question to consensual slavery. It seems to me that the definition of consensual slavery must match that of traditional slavery- she can be forced to work, coerced when necessary, and could potentially be held against her will. All of these things she agreed to, and some she had to be absolutely assured of before she would consent to be collared. Still, those are only things that can happen to a slave. What of the slaves themselves? The definition rightly leaves out any concept of what a “good” slave is, as such a value judgment is solely the province of their owner.

Hm. I’m wandering again, which undoubtedly means I’m still avoiding the question. Luckily we’re almost to the meat of the issue. What do I think of when I imagine a “good” consensual slave, and how does that play in to what pais means when she asks what a slave is?

For me a consensual slave is an objectified servant. The extent of objectification can vary widely, but I think the objectification is the essential difference between slave and servant. I also think that the concept of this objectification is what causes people, at a gut level, to reject the terms “master” and “slave” as descriptive of their relationships. I’ve recently struggled with this myself as pais is more than a consensual slave to me, I am in love with her. As such I identify her as a pet as well as a slave and have recently taken to calling her a “pup slave”. This has been invaluable to me in keeping the roles clear and maintaining that level of objectification.

I suppose the next logical question is what is the different between a “pup slave” and a “consensual slave”? Well, for me a pup slave is a consensual slave. Just one whose identity is a pet instead of inanimate chattel (by most definitions pets are chattel, so I suppose this is really a sub-set). Pets tend to get more affection, tenderness, and love than household or personal objects, and that is just how I like it. As to how this ties into what pais is really asking, I suppose it breaks down like this:

“What do you expect from me?”

I expect service, loyalty, obedience, affection, flexibility, and the kind of worship a pup gives their owner.

“How do you perceive the my role in our relationship?”
“As Your slave, what should my identity be?”

I see you as a treasured, beloved, useful working animal. Often times I still see a lot more than that, but I think that is the ideal, primary role. Of course I need more than that right now, and your ability to fulfill all of the roles I need is not only critical to us being able to live together right now, but also a very necessary part of our path toward a deeper M/s dynamic.

Of course this has all gotten very specific to my relationship with pais. I feel another post brewing about how I feel about non-pais slaves. A long time from now I may even feel qualified to speak to slavery in general, who knows?

I had written a fair amount about anger earlier. I suppose I’ll get back to it, but I’m not in the morose place I was earlier in the day. I watched Tron with the eldest and pais, which has greatly improved my mood. It also made pais wet. My kinda pervert.

Hmm. I haven’t talked much about the kids here, I really like to keep those spaces as separate as possible, but if anyone ever stumbles upon this I suppose they should have a little context. I have 3 kids, all between 4 and 12. I have both girls and boys. I have custody of them 1/2 of the time, which is in the process of being formalized in divorce.

I love them very much and want to give them every advantage in life. Part of that, to me, is both an open mind and as much modeling of healthy behavior as possible. At current that means keeping all M/s aspects of my life as far from them as I keep s/m (that being “very”). I am not ashamed of my lifestyle, far from it, but it is my firm belief that they should have as much freedom of choice in their lives as possible. I feel that modeling a lifestyle so obviously different has a very good chance of generating in them an increased feeling of separation from “normal” life. There is no lack of “weird” in their lives, but I think this would be so overwhelmingly different that it would have a significant chance of damaging their ability to choose their own lifestyle.

Their lives aren’t risk-free, and I would not make them so if I could. If they come to this lifestyle on their own, on either side of the dynamic, I can’t honestly say I’d be more or less proud of them. I would still love them, though, and accept their choice. As long as I know it was their choice and not some artifact of my own choices.

Of course there will come a time when the cat will be out of the bag, on my timeline or not. I can’t rightly say when that will be at this point. It’s years out, at least, but I often think about what I will say when the time comes. Should be an interesting day.

In the meantime, pais and I act quite overtly vanilla in their presence. She argues, contradicts, teases, and in all other ways behaves in an egalitarian manner. It’s humbling, and I’m grateful for that. She is never anything but a slave, however… just one that is pleasing me in a most bizarre and difficult way. I have no doubt that I could order her to do anything in front of the kids and she would comply after ascertaining that she understood what I was saying. She trusts me to refrain, and I do… just as I do on the train, at restaurants, around our families, at work, etc.

Some will undoubtedly say that this makes us something other than what we are. I understand the desire to draw boundaries around the things that define us. To say this is (M/s|TPE|24/7|etc), and that is not. I encourage others to question their views and definitions of those terms, I certainly do. In the end, for me, what constitutes a 24/7 TPE M/s relationship is the following:

A D/s relationship where there are no limits to the dominant’s authority over the submissive aside from those the dominant chooses, and those may change at any time the dominant chooses, for any reason the dominant sees fit.

That describes my relationship perfectly, and so I feel comfortable claiming that particular alphabet soup for us. That said, I’m always open to other opinions and I would rather have an accurate description than one that suits my identity/self-image/vanity.