House Tearmainn

I am possibly the most self-centered human-in-service I know. (Ow. Yeah. Cringe.) At many points during my years of questing for my place within the lifestyle, I’ve thought of myself as far too selfish to be a decent submissive, much less a slave. For example:

1. I not only gaze at my navel, I fall in. A lot. It’s bigger in there than one might guess. While I’m in there, I forget about other stuff. Such as, you know, serving.

2. I like feeling all hot and used and slavey. The work part? Meh. Not so much.

3. I don’t especially enjoy sacrifice. I like being comfortable; I like feeling safe.

4. I can admit the above freely when it’s my idea to do so, but call me on these points in context and my ego will be affronted.

5. I could go on.

Sometimes I’ve thought, hell, maybe what growth means for me is learning how to hold my own in an egalitarian relationship. Maybe I’m a bottom but not a submissive; maybe what I truly long for is a service top. Maybe maybe maybe.

Then again, sometimes I forget the shades of grey that color our personalities, the hidden potentialities, the nuancey stuff. I’m not one thing; I’m a lot of things. Selfish is one of them, yep. Giving is another. Evolving is a third. Tack on aspiring and you have an interesting mix going, though it may remain hidden from view until you also bring onto the scene a noble and Dominant man who sees nothing in simplistic black and white.

Hence I am here, selfish girl violet, very happy to be “in service” because that is precisely what I most need to learn and how I most need to grow. This first week has brought me several lessons in this area, destined, I’m certain, not to be the last ones! I hope that I can bring to this opportunity the aspects of myself that will benefit the household. They are the ones that will benefit me, too.

Oof. Rough day today. A theme I’ve been reading from my M/s friends lately, even the most experienced ones, is one of learning the same lesson over and over. That was today on a lot of levels.

Today’s (re-re-)re-lessons:

• After deciding that you have not been exerting enough control, but *before* turning up the knob from 2 to 7 it’s good to talk to the slave a bit.
• Control is not the opposite of love.
• It is possible to remain calm in the face of anger without completely disconnecting, I know it is.
• Trying to process while getting everyone ready to leave in the morning rarely helps and often hurts.
• No matter how much of my baggage I work through, there is always more. Plus some dipshit keeps putting the old ones back where they were when l wasn’t looking. Inconsiderate, that.

For all that, any day that starts out that rough and is mostly back on keel before dinner can’t be all that bad. It can be rough sometimes to have all of the responsibility for these issues, but with it comes the power necessary to make them right.