House Tearmainn

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve actually been writing drafts and letting them linger half-finished due to time or focus issues. Looking over the half-written posts it seems like most of them pertain to either communication or managing others’ perceptions of my lifestyle. Given that those seem to be the big topics among M/s folks that’s hardly surprising, I guess.

What is a little surprising is how honest and open those posts are. I suspect that might be another reason why I’m not finishing them… the only thing worse than baring your soul to the Internet and getting mocked or bashed is baring your soul to the Internet and getting silence. Still, I think I’ll re-double my efforts and put them out there.

On that note I’d like to put down some recently hard earned thoughts on transparency. I’ve had a lot of back-and-forth with pais about transparency and how/when to communicate what she’s feeling. We each have issues around this topic that certainly exascerbate the proble. She has extreme guilt over any kind of negative feeling and that means it takes her a long time to get up the steam to communicate it to me. I almost always immediately notice that there is something up with her and have a nearly pathological need to find out what’s up.

It’s been a long-running issue, stretching back to before I collared her. I’ve tried a few different things including:

• Letting her sort out as much as possible on her own, and only bring to me the things she feels she needs to. The failure here being that she feels like she should never need to bring anything to me, which eventually leads to meltdown on her part or a freakout on mine when I can see that she’s struggling and not bringing it to me.
• Ordering her to bring any issues to me immediately, no matter how small. This worked in that I knew what was up, but failed in that, well, there are a lot of things that can be brought up. I just don’t have time to handle those conversations, and she felt like crap for having to bring tiny things to me that she was completely capable of handling on her own.
• Having a time set aside to discuss any issues from the day. This worked pretty well for her, since she could filter out any small things and only bring me the important ones. Unfortunately, it also meant that if there were no important ones the small things seemed bigger. The timing was also bad, at the end of the day when we’re both tired is bad, and the worst issues tend to happen in the evenings when the kids are around anyway.
• I used to have her journal for me. This particular method of communication went through several revisions and finally ended up pretty balanced. She could write as she needed to, delete small things or things she had dealt with, take the time to express herself well and politely, and append notes when she sent it to me explaining her current state.  This was the most successful, I think, but does consume a fair amount of her time which is extremely valuable to me. This fell by the wayside as she ramped up with work (or was it finals?) and time became compressed.

I know that along the way each of those took on different forms and shapes as I changed things that were obviously not working so it feels to both of us like this topic has been beaten to death. As of last night we’re back to journaling, and I think that will work out well if I a) can wait long enough to hear what’s up to actually get to post, and b) can give her enough time to do it effectively.

I’ve been meaning to get back into the habit of posting here again lately, but have been waiting to have something to say. Today’s the day, it seems, though my feelings on the topic are conflicted.

I had an experience recently which is not uncommon. I was in a room with a group of M/s and D/s folks, enjoying a conversation regarding the role of fear in the lifestyle. One person in the group, a dominant, drove the conversation. Dominated it, if you will, by speaking up often, loudly, and consistently changing the topic back to the things he was more comfortable talking about. The bulk of the group seemed happy with that direction so I let it ride, but the methods employed put me off.

This is pretty stereotypical dominant behavior, and I’d classify it as more clueless than assholular, but it’s one of the reasons I’m loathe to call myself a dom. I don’t feel the need to dominate strangers, co-workers, friends, or groups. I’m perfectly happy to lead, but I’m not overly interested in leading a group if I feel someone is more qualified to do so. Obviously I have a need to be in charge in my “romantic” relationships as well.

The rest I see as, frankly, impolite. At the end of the evening I was left with a nagging feeling that somehow I was less of a dom for being like that. After further consideration, I think that I was less of a dominant for not calling the behavior out for the slight rudeness that I feel it was.

What I’m taking away from this is that dominance, like most any trait, can take a variety of forms. I’ll just keep trying to engender what I see as the positive aspects and move on, I think.

I seem to have hit the place with mastery where I feel that my own ideas are firmly planted. I can tell this because I have picked up non-fiction literature to read. I recognize that my need to come to my own understanding of things before reading up on them is counter-intuitive at best, and decidedly negligent at worst. Nevertheless, it is a core component of my nature and not one I wish to change.

I’m not sure where this learning style comes from. I don’t much want to know how other people do any specific thing (this extends all through my life, from washing dishes to computers to martial arts). Once I have made my own mistakes and learned to a level where I feel proficient, then I’m perfectly happy to go reading anything and everything on the topic. I think that this allows me the opportunity to have a unique perspective on the topic without the temptation to take what “the experts” say as gospel.

For those who are curious, the book I’m currently reading is Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual by Christina Abernathy, for the simple reason that it was the only book I could get out of the “kinky book” drawer while dashing for the rest room. Fortune has smiled upon me, though, I’m enjoying it quite a lot. I’m not much of a book review person (see above), but I find myself nodding as I read and that’s a good sign.

Today was kind of an interesting day. Yesterday pais damaged her shoulder somehow and she’s been in a lot of pain. It either stiffened up or got slept on wrong last night and has been pretty bad all day. This means I get to step up and do some care taking myself, which has been an enjoyable change of pace.

A common theme of the past couple of days has been “Daddy”. I don’t really consider myself a “daddy dom”, though I do like taking care of my people. I am a sadist and get my kicks that way, too. However I’m not a huge sadist and sometimes it can get confusing, I’m sure.

So naturally things are rarely black and white. There is probably a spectrum between purely sadistic and purely caregiving domination. Of course it’s probably also three dimensional, since you can be giving care through sadism, but for my purposes tonight I’ll be comparing apples to pears.

On a scale from 1(sadism) – 10(nurturing) I’m probably a 7 or 8 with occasional weeks of 4 and days of 2. I’ll be curious to hear what pais thinks of that assessment. If the person reading this happens to be her, they should post a comment about that. I’m guessing that there are distinct phases that I go through where I am more sadistic than others over the course of a month or more.

I think there is more to say about how lousy I used to be at aftercare, how even now I feel a bit defensive about how nurturing I am, and how my weird dual nature plays into this, but I just can’t bring any of it to the front at the moment. I seem to not have a point here. I’m not sure I ever did. The only weird thing about that is that I’m not completely exhausted for a change. State dependent learning at work? You make the call!

Tricky day today. I could write a lot on it, but I’m not sure the details are relevant here. The lessons are, though, and foremost among them is this: If one of my girls makes a mistake it is, in all likelihood, not about me. I’m not sure why it is one of those lessons that takes so long and so much head bashing to learn, but it is. Well, so be it, I will continue to try and learn it.

The complimentary part of this lesson is that if it’s not about me, my reaction should be proportionate to the mistake. It doesn’t have be, I am within my rights to be a prick, but that’s not the kind of dominant I want to be. What kind of dominant do I want to be, then? Sounds like the subject of another post. I wonder if the “to write” pile is currently longer than the “written” one. Seems likely.

So I talked some about insecurities a couple of days back, and that went over well. I suppose I should cover the rest of the story while I’ve still got it in brain… what to do about insecurities once you’ve found them. This is, obviously, one of those things you spend a lifetime working on, and not the sort of thing that has a “one size fits all” answer, but here are a few hard lessons I’ve learned up along the way.

• Listen. If you are lucky enough to have a sub, listen to what they tell you about your behavior. Sure, it’s easy to blow off their opinions as “topping from the bottom” or “unslavelike”, but they (hopefully) focus a tremendous amount of attention on you, and are therefore the best barometer you’ve got. Watch out for phrases like “that felt weird”, “that wasn’t like you”, “you’re acting differently”, etc. For me those have all been clues that my insecurities were driving my actions.
• Ask yourself the hard questions. Why did I want that? Why do I need this? Is this activity going to have negative long term effects that I am unwilling to deal with (sawing off a limb, for example)? Is the way that I’m acting consistent with what I’ve told my slave? That last one is important. Most slaves seem to thrive on consistency, and if you are telling them one thing and doing another it will eventually lead to a lot of hurt and confusion. Whether the words or the actions are the more honest part, insecurity could be the cause.
• Talk. You are the rock, the unyielding solid object around which someone else can build their world. That doesn’t leave a lot of room to be a human being sometimes, and it certainly doesn’t leave you with any less baggage to deal with. If you don’t feel comfortable disgorging your insecurities to your sub, perhaps it’s time to find a local M/s or BDSM group. It’s amazing how truly good it can feel to realize you’re not the only one with these feelings, and especially to find people that you can respect who feel the same way. You don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to go it alone.
• Let your ego get stroked, but stay humble. In a likelihood your submissive wants you to feel good and be happy. They’ll want to tell you that you are the most awesomest awesome that ever summed an awe. It may even be true that you are the very best master for that slave, and good on ya! Sometimes a bit of confidence is all it takes to beat those insecurities down. Sometimes you might just need to hear the same thing over and over again, ad nauseum, forever. The problem lies in allowing yourself to believe that you really are the best, the brightest, and the only at everything all of the time. Try to remember that you, your sub, and the relationship are all a work in progress, with the only finished product being death. When you can admit your mistakes you are in control of them. When you can’t they control you.

This all comes across a bit wishy-washy, but if you feel a need to be “hardcore”, emotionally distant from your slave, or acknowledged as perfect (even though you know you’re not, right?) perhaps you should take a look at why. If not, don’t worry. There’s a pretty good chance you’ll have plenty of time to ponder it when your sub leaves. Ok, that was low… but not entirely untrue.

I’m not saying you should allow your slave to tell you who you are, or should be. I’m saying that you should decide that, and if you behave that way consistently they will know when you are acting out of character. I’m not saying that you should second guess yourself all of the time. I’m saying that you should never allow yourself to indulge the fantasy that everything you want and do is right, simply because it’s what you want, or do. I’m not saying that you should use your slave as a therapist. I’m saying that you can be ok with who you are, and that it’s good to hear that other people are ok with it too. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bask in the worship that you undoubtedly deserve. I’m saying that you should be vigilant in your efforts to continue to deserve it.

Whooee. I am probably dead wrong on at least one thing, but that’s where I stand now. I hope I’m still writing this a year from now and I can categorize this “Embarrassing Old Posts” and replace it with something better. I do realize this comes off as soapbox-ish, but hope that my other posts make the case that I’m not judgmental and only speaking from my own limited experiences.

Not feeling particularly well this evening. Too much celebrating of pais’ new job, I suspect. Still, dulce de leche caramel cheesecake? Worth it.

The Epic Posts are on hold still. I’ll get to them when I feel like it. I’ve also got some site upgrades to do soon, which will probably mean a no-post day or perhaps taking a few minutes out when working from home. Wordpress rox sox, so it should be quick. This is the kind of post you get when the Mac dies and I end up writing on the Windows box. Feel the passion. Yeesh.

I find myself deleting more of what I’m writing now. Maybe I have less good stuff to say, or the dawning awareness that a few people actually read this has got me second guessing myself. I’m not really sure, but I know I’ll work through it in time.

I had written a bit about the appeal of dating sites and their superficial resemblance to slave auctions… and why I keep going back. Partially it’s because of the awesome people I do meet there sometimes (*wave*), and paritally I think it has to do with the idea that if I just do the right search in the right place at the right time I’ll have that triad I’ve wanted for so long, without having to worry about all of the real life complications. Hmmm. Sounds silly when you put it that way. :-p

I know the work needs to be done, and I even know what a fair amount of that work is. Hell, I’m doing some of it with my folks now, but sometimes it’s nice to get that glimpse of what could be… even if it never actually could be. I like storytelling, and reading a couple of paragraphs and some bio info is nothing but a big writing prompt for me. Witness:

Slaveyslaveslaveslave1990 says she’s a lesbian, but then goes on to say that she is looking for a “domme or dom”. I should send her a mail and see where that goes. I’ve certainly toyed with the idea of having a completely chaste slave. She’s into maid service and that would go a long ways toward helping out now that pais has a job, even if it was only when the kids weren’t here.

Fast forward a year or so…

Now that she’s all enslaved and stuff, it’s time to do the stereotypical male thing and make this lesbian love cock! Rar! *cue porn music*

Rewind. Delete. That was douchbagular…

She’s cute and seems really nice. I bet the kids would like her. She’s closer to their age than mine, after all… whoa. Hot. Dirty. Hot. Dirty! *cue porn music*

You get the idea. It’s foolishness, and yet every now and again I get suckered back in. On the upside I usually come out of it with keen new friends and/or more as well as a better idea of what I want in a submissive, so it’s not nothin’.

At least the words are flowing again. It’d be nice if they flowed a bit earlier in the evening, though.